We all heard this at some point when colleagues refer to how a difficult discussion went: “I had a good talk with ____, we are all set”. It is usually accompanied by nodding heads and then attention turns to something else. But let’s be honest, the notion that the talk was “good” is usually reported by only one of the parties, the one who initiated the said difficult discussion. But how do we actually define “good” in that context…?
Having been the instigator of some of these discussions over the years, I can confirm that it usually means I was able to deliver the message I wanted to give, and that drama was avoided. But more than often, it meant that the discussion was far from great and that the needed outcome usually did not unfold as anticipated.
I was guilty of creating “the good talk illusion” so I could feel good about myself and avoid discomfort, but not really have an honest, and meaningful, discussion that would yield results. After 20 years in leadership roles (and four children ;)), I learned to not get caught in that illusion anymore. Or at least I try not to….
Here are my personal learnings on how to actually have great talks that really move the needle.
Where and when matters
My most productive and engaging discussions happened first thing in the morning when minds are clearer and no one carries the weight of the day. They also took place in neutral, yet confidential, locations. This removed any “formal” barriers and set the tone for trust and honest dialogue. Doing it “over coffee” always helps to send the signal of creating a safe space to connect.
Call a spade a spade
Don’t dance around the topic. One thing I came to realize early on in my career is that people want clarity. Even if the topic is uncomfortable. Being ultra-clear on what actually needs to be discussed will serve everyone best in the end and will eliminate any assumptions or misunderstandings.
Try to understand before wanting to be understood
That’s a big one. As leaders, we often think we got it figured out and all we need to do is deliver instructions. But we rarely, if not never, get the full picture. So take time to listen and understand the other person’s perspective before anything else. It might change your outlook on the situation and ultimately amplify the outcome of the discussion.
Get comfortable being uncomfortable
This one speaks for itself. Unless you’re a robot, or a psychopath, having a difficult discussion with someone is rarely something comfortable. So get used to it, it won’t go away. If you go in with best intentions and you don’t make it personal, all will be fine. Just remember that it’s probably even more unpleasant for the other person.
Show empathy. Always.
I’ve talked about this one before. Being empathic doesn’t mean being soft. Far from it. It means that you put a premium on respecting and recognizing the other person’s point of view and feelings. It doesn’t mean making the other person feel good, that’s their own prerogative. The discussion might ultimately yield disagreement, but it shouldn’t yield a feeling of disrespect.
Close with clarity
The topic has been identified and discussed and you really want to get back to regular tasks… but before you do so, circle back on key points of the discussion and make sure there is a common understanding of what needs to be addressed and how. Tough discussions bring up all sorts of emotions and sub-topics, so put a premium on wrapping things up with focus.
Ultimately, people want to be heard, be respected, and have clarity. It’s not too much to ask for, no matter what should be discussed. Over the years, the above points helped me move difficult chats from “good” to “great” and ultimately make them more human and productive.
Sending good vibes to everyone
Y